IMDB 30 Day Movie Challenge

Day 1: Favorite film
Day 2: Least favorite film
Day 3: Favorite comedy
Day 4: Favorite drama
Day 5: Favorite action
Day 6: Favorite horror
Day 7: Favorite animated feature
Day 8: Favorite thriller
Day 9: Favorite musical
Day 10: Favorite foreign film
Day 11: Favorite kid's movie
Day 12: Favorite love story
Day 13: Favorite chick flick
Day 14: Favorite documentary
Day 15: Favorite play adaptation
Day 16: Favorite book adaptation
Day 17: Least favorite book adaptation
Day 18: Film that is your guilty pleasure
Day 19: Film that made you cry the hardest
Day 20: Movie with your favorite actress
Day 21: Movie with your favorite actor
Day 22: Movie you wish you could live in
Day 23: Movie that inspires you
Day 24: Movie with your favorite soundtrack
Day 25: Movie with the most beautiful scenery
Day 26: Movie you're most embarrassed to say you like
Day 27: Movie with your favorite villain
Day 28: Movie with your favorite hero
Day 29: First movie you ever remember watching
Day 30: Last movie you watched

Seven years. It just dawned on me that seven years ago today I was there. In that place where I know not whether good or bad or both happened to me. Perhaps those lingering ghosts are why I feel like I do right now. But at the same time, in the pit of my soul, I know that’s not the only reason. My hands get too tired to really write anymore. I’ve become so accustomed to typing all day. I love to hold my pen and let words come forward, but it gets to a point where my hands fight me. My fingers tighten and cramp and my letters turn illegible. At least when I type, the letters are clear. The words may be unintelligible, but I know what they are.

And I lied, it wasn’t today. It was tomorrow that marks seven years. IT doesn’t feel like it makes any difference, really. I’m sitting here, in my(our?) room, with Enchant playing through the headphones. It both helps and hinders my thinking. Part of me just wants to go to bed. Or cry. Or both. But It’s only 9:26, and I can’t do that yet. The bed part. 

The moment it dawned on me that I am at that anniversary, those shadows and haunts flooded back into my mind, like they do in my nightmares, and the first time I read the Asylum. Some may seem ridiculous. Others, most might find genuinely terrifying. For a fifteen year old girl who didn’t understand any of it to begin with, the entire thing seems like a surreal dream mixed with blurs of nightmare. 

The day I got there, they locked me in the glass room and made me take a shower in the bathroom that was a small, hexagonal, entirely tiled space. I couldn’t leave my clothes outside because I didn’t want to let the orderlies see my nakedness, but after I shivered through that horror-movie shower, my appointed sweat pants and T-shirt were damp and cold. 

The little boy who couldn’t have been more than 8 years old, locked up with us for trying to kill his mother. The stories he told about it were bone-chilling. He knew what he was planning, what he had done, and this small creature felt no remorse. 

Moving to UNI, the sheer humiliation of having a stranger comb through every belonging I brought with me, and over every inch of my body, making notes of every scar, scab, and freckle. 

Having my books and my notebook taken away. Is it really SO insane to desire escape in literature? They left me with nothing but a golf pencil and an hour a day to write out my demons. 

The heavy acrylic trays we were served “food” on while on Level Red. The only edible thing was the banana, which was protected by its own skin. The rest of it tasted like it was already tinged with bile. 

Unidentifiable shadows in the light, both too dark to see and too light to sleep by. 

Sara’s blood-curdling screams in the middle of the night and the noises she made in time-out. It was not your standard time-out room. There were no padded walls, no straight jackets or restraints of any kind. It was a cement and cinderblock room with a few couch cushions thrown in. The moment the door closed, the screams began again and we could all hear the dull “thump” of her head hitting the wall. Once, I saw the blood on her face when they took her out. 

The only thing worse than Sara’s hours in time out were Stephan’s. He roared to no end, cursing everything. And some moments, his screams sounded like they came from multiple people.

Sleepless nights where we were punished for our grogginess the next morning. Sometimes, in the early hours, we didn’t know where we were.

Nobody would ever accept “I don’t know” as an answer. If we knew, why would we have been there?

http://instagr.am/p/TWk-CNC1A9/

You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet

So, a friend of mine on facebook has been sharing fun facts about himself the last couple days. I don't know if anyone even sees this in passing, but I felt the need to toss a few of mine up on the internets.

1. My absolute favorite movie, EVER, is Disney's Beauty and the Beast
2. I've always dreamed of living in another era
3. I can think myself into an unconscious void
4. Four is my favorite number
5. I have never claimed a religion
6. That being said, many people have told me my beliefs follow several ideals of eastern religions such as Buddhism, Taoism, and Hare Krsna. (yes, I know the accents and spelling of that is wrong, but I'm tired.)
7. The most important person in my life is my mom.
8. I still have most of my barbies, and I always wander down that pink aisle at the store.
9. I have a tendency to speak to myself in 'lolspeak'
10. I have an affinity for lesser used letters (Q, Z, X, K, J, B)
11. Love frightens me
12. I am a suicide attempt survivor
13. Bob Ross influences my artwork significantly.
14. I have a nervous tic where I pick at anything and everything(nails, ears, nose, scalp, scabs, paint, fabric embellishments)
15. I am quite a loner, and enjoy my solitude
16.  My earliest memory is of meeting my grandfather in January of 1991 (when I was 5 months old)
17. I aspire to write a book in my life
18. I do not like myself at all from the neck down
19. When I have story ideas in my mind, I record it in a combination of drawing and acting out dialogues by myself
20. I fall into accents easily, and am very believable

In All My Dreams I Drown

Well, it's been quite a while.
Not only for this blog, but for my physical pen-to-paper journal. Looking at it, the last entry is dated April 29, 2012. It's now nearly four months later.

Bad Sarah.

I hope to get back into this blog or resume writing in my journal, even if some of the entries are negative or rant-like. Because really, weren't blogs and journals initially created to record feelings and thoughts of the day? I'm not sure, that's how I've always viewed them. My first journal entry was in a Harry Potter hardbound journal in April of 2001. With the exception of my senior year of high school (where I DID write at least once a week), I have faithfully jotted down at least something for each day. I contribute it to my exceptional memory. The fact that I have fallen off the bandwagon may have something to do with why I feel like my brain is turning to mush.

Look at that, I've written more in the last ten minutes than I have in probably the last ten weeks. The majority of my writing comes in the form of filling in crosswords, and my typing from searching Sims 3 Mods or entering cheat codes.

I'll see you soon.