Sunday, July 10, 2011

Paradox of the Day

I am often quite paradoxical. I may smile through the inner turmoil, play off a shed tear or two, but the wheels in my head keep turning, and often get jammed on some rather nasty topics.

I know I am lucky, far moreso than even friends and family members. I have a roof over my  head, food to eat, clean clothes, clean water, an amazing family and a handful of incredible friends.

At this point in life, I try to accept the happiness as it comes, one day at a time. And on the whole, the last several weeks have been, for lack of a better word, wonderful. I've reconnected with someone who I thought hated me, and we have developed a new friendship, and are beginning a relationship. It's been a long time since the mere presence or communication with someone has just made me genuinely smile, when absolutely nobody (else) is around. He makes me happy. 

Which is also precisely the problem. 

For years, now, I've been drawn to someone else. It's a complicated and convoluted series of events, but last year, roundabout Christmas, we became close again, and I haven't seen him since the beginning of the year. He'll be (more or less) back in a week, and even though I have this great person who wants to see me and be close to me and who always does manage to make me feel better about myself, when the thought of this other person pops into my head, I miss him with an ache that makes me feel sick. There has never implicitly been a more-than-friends relationship between us, but I can't make these absurd feelings go away. I have been honest with the man I'm with, but it still makes me feel guilty that I'm (my heart?) torn.

I hardly make sense to myself, and of course I am terrified to explain and justify my feelings to this person that I miss... Even though the one right beside me knows, understands, and is okay if I don't choose him. It doesn't help that the two of them are basically best friends. 

So that's the paradox of the day. I look happy, and to an extent I am. Incredibly so. But on the inside I am screaming as these two parts of me battle each other within my mind, within my heart. I haven't the slightest idea which part will win. And I'm almost afraid to find out.