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You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet

So, a friend of mine on facebook has been sharing fun facts about himself the last couple days. I don't know if anyone even sees this in passing, but I felt the need to toss a few of mine up on the internets.

1. My absolute favorite movie, EVER, is Disney's Beauty and the Beast
2. I've always dreamed of living in another era
3. I can think myself into an unconscious void
4. Four is my favorite number
5. I have never claimed a religion
6. That being said, many people have told me my beliefs follow several ideals of eastern religions such as Buddhism, Taoism, and Hare Krsna. (yes, I know the accents and spelling of that is wrong, but I'm tired.)
7. The most important person in my life is my mom.
8. I still have most of my barbies, and I always wander down that pink aisle at the store.
9. I have a tendency to speak to myself in 'lolspeak'
10. I have an affinity for lesser used letters (Q, Z, X, K, J, B)
11. Love frightens me
12. I am a suicide attempt survivor
13. Bob Ross influences my artwork significantly.
14. I have a nervous tic where I pick at anything and everything(nails, ears, nose, scalp, scabs, paint, fabric embellishments)
15. I am quite a loner, and enjoy my solitude
16.  My earliest memory is of meeting my grandfather in January of 1991 (when I was 5 months old)
17. I aspire to write a book in my life
18. I do not like myself at all from the neck down
19. When I have story ideas in my mind, I record it in a combination of drawing and acting out dialogues by myself
20. I fall into accents easily, and am very believable

In All My Dreams I Drown

Well, it's been quite a while.
Not only for this blog, but for my physical pen-to-paper journal. Looking at it, the last entry is dated April 29, 2012. It's now nearly four months later.

Bad Sarah.

I hope to get back into this blog or resume writing in my journal, even if some of the entries are negative or rant-like. Because really, weren't blogs and journals initially created to record feelings and thoughts of the day? I'm not sure, that's how I've always viewed them. My first journal entry was in a Harry Potter hardbound journal in April of 2001. With the exception of my senior year of high school (where I DID write at least once a week), I have faithfully jotted down at least something for each day. I contribute it to my exceptional memory. The fact that I have fallen off the bandwagon may have something to do with why I feel like my brain is turning to mush.

Look at that, I've written more in the last ten minutes than I have in probably the last ten weeks. The majority of my writing comes in the form of filling in crosswords, and my typing from searching Sims 3 Mods or entering cheat codes.

I'll see you soon.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 13

I don't really know what else I can say, but Beauty and the Beast always makes me happy. I guess that's what happens when it is my favorite movie. I often have time deciding why exactly I love it so much. Partially because I identify strongly with Belle. I'm a brunette, a bit quirky, I read all the damn time and I have (holy crap my fake pinky nail just popped off and shot across my room!) a habit of finding beauty in very odd places and people. It's so beautiful. Most Disney movies make me happy, but Beauty and the Beast always has a positive affect on me.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 12

I know it seems to be a recurring theme in my last several posts, but how can I ignore the two most wonderful women in my life? My mother, of course, has been with me from the beginning. She is always giving, often more than she really  has. It takes its toll sometimes, but somehow she stays strong. She has always been my friend and confidant as well as my mother. I am proud to say I am one of the few people I know who has such a relationship with their mom. She inspires me, gives me strength, and love. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

The other lady I don't think I could do without is my best friend, Ryane. Though we've only really known each other for about six years, I know things about her that nobody else does, and vice versa. We feel like we've known each other forever. I have never had such a strong mental connection with anyone, and as she says it, neither has she. There is nothing we can't talk about with each other, and there has never been drama, a fight, or hard feelings between us. Every time we hang out, there is so much laughter and love that not one person doubts our friendship. Her little girl is absolutely amazing, and I'm one of the few people who understands that Ryane and Achlys are a package deal. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

March Happiness Challenge: Day 11

I know I am posting this on Monday the 12th, but it's supposed to be about Sunday, the 11th. And it was an utterly fantastic day. 


Uncommon for early March in Utah, the weather was beautiful. It was warm and the sun was shining. I decided it had been far too long since I'd seen my "kids", Kymira, Drayvin, Trace, and Achlys, so I asked Ryane what she had planned and if she wanted to go to the park. She told me that she had been with her sister Eryn, and they were planning to take the kids to the park later in the day and that they'd let me know and in turn, come pick me up. 

It was about 5 when they got here. I went out to the car, and there are Achlys and Trace in their carseats, and the instant they see me, they smile. We swing by and get Ryane's boyfriend Devin, then head to get Eryn's other two, Ky and Dray. They didn't know I would be with mom and Rye Rye when they were to be picked up, so suddenly, Kymira is banging on the passenger door and shrieking "SESSA!" at me. I open the door to hug her, and Drayvin materializes, practically bouncing higher than he is tall. 

We get the kids situated in the car and head to the park. We arrive, I help the kids out, and I race Dray to the playground. Even at only two, he books it. We spend about 45 minutes playing in the (mediocre, by my childhood standards), playground. Tiny Trace squeals with pure happiness as he is accompanied down the slide by his sister, and then seems pleased when mommy Eryn lets him slide about a foot down the smallest slide into my arms by himself. Achlys traipses around with Devan, periodically breaking off to come to me or run and have her own adventures. Ryane takes over a swing, first holding Trace, then Achlys. Drayvin gets his own swing and is excited to tell all of us that he's "Wingin by hisself." 

Over the course of the time we spend, I am snapping numerous photos with my camera. Achlys and Drayvin decide to start throwing tiny handfuls of sand at Ryane when she swings forward. It's a game of who's going to throw the sand and who we have to immediately move out of the way so they don't get kicked in the face. Drayvin, who the last several times I've seen him has not wanted any hugs, clings to me as though he'll never let me go, and if he does, he will never see me again. 

As always when I am with these people, I feel an overwhelming sense of love and happiness. I know I am good with kids, but the way they all react to me brings a smile to my face. Even now, as I am recounting our time at the little park before dusk, I can't help but smile so much my eyes crinkle. Every so often, you need a day where people love you, don't question you, and nothing ruins the lovely time you're having. 

March Happiness Challenge: Day 10

I love Carson Kressley. This was just the cherry on top for last season of DWTS.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 9

I Can Has Cheezburger?
It's quite encompassing.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 8

This makes me smile. Yesterday I spent time with my best friend Ryane, her sister Eryn, their kids, and her boyfriend. We went to the park. There is something so wonderful and satisfying about chasing happy little kids through the park when the sun is shining and they're happy to see you anyway. I spent the majority of my summer at their apartment, hanging around, babysitting, and just thoroughly enjoying myself. After seeing me about twice, Eryn's kids decided they absolutely adore me. Though I have no real relation to any of them, Eryn fondly refers to me as her sister, and her two older children, Kymira(7) and Drayvin(2), shout "Aunt Sessa!" with absolute glee any time they see me, and her nine-month old son Trace smiles like a goon when I interact with him. Ryane's little girl Achlys has always had an affinity for me, so it was a heartwarming evening at the park. The kids playing in the sand, sliding, swinging, and chasing us around in the evening sun did something to my heart. They filled it with the warmth and love I always feel when I'm around them. I miss being that small, when joy comes in simplicity and seeing the people you love. Not that being older completely takes that away, but there is always an underlying complication. A harsh remark, bad history, or just general drama. I will hang onto these moments my entire life and I hope to share many more with them.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 7

I know I've been a slacker the last week. I haven't even turned on my computer. So after googling "smile", I found this. Enjoy.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 6

Alexander Skarsgård 

 Because... Well...

I don't need a reason.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 5

 

The song Girls! Girls! Girls! by Emilie Autumn from her new album, Fight Like A Girl, makes me laugh. It's based on a section of her book The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls where the doctors are exploiting the inmates by creating a circus-like show for the general public to attend. Many of the puns, references, and double entendres are quite humorous, if dark. 

Emilie Autumn: Girls! Girls! Girls!

Step right up!

We bring to you the finest entertainment.

And I am pleased to be your humble servant

Accept our hospitality

Indulge in abnormality

Step right up

We've something here for everyone's enjoyment

I do this as a gift,

Not for employment

A portrait of insanity

Approach with your humanity

Come see our girls, crazy girls

if you're willing to be thrilled this is a hell of a ride

Those girls, crazy girls

They're hot!

They're nuts!

They're suicidal

Tickets cheap, it's a crime

And they're half price after 4 o'Clock so toss us a dime

to see these lovely freaks of nature for a limited time

come see the girls, girls, girls

Some of them are really quite attractive as you see

And some are truly hideous, and I'm sure that you'll agree

While others still look quite a lot like you and me

Don't let them fool you, just one more rule

Don't you look that one too long in the eye

That one, let's just keep walking by

These ain't no ordinary girls

And we've a steady supply

So grab another cup of tea

And follow me!

To see those girls, crazy girls

if you're willing to be thrilled this is a hell of a ride

Those girls, crazy girls

They're hot!

They're nuts!

They're suicidal

Tickets cheap, it's a crime

And they're half price after 4 o'Clock so toss us a dime

to see these lovely freaks of nature for a limited time

come see the girls, girls, girls

Now has anybody any clever questions for your guide?

For a penny more, go in and ask

We've nothing here to hide!

(All talk at once)

Pipe down, now you sir

"If insanity's primarily a femininish malady,

and no one's doubting that, for it's a scientific fact!

Then, according to the medics

Have they faultier genetics?

Are they born with this disease

Or is it something they contract?"

It's all to do with reproductive organs

which are naturally unstable in a dame

You see, from lunar, we have lunacy, a lunatic and loony

And they're always ovulating by the cycle of the moon(y)

"I have a question!

Has any patient ever been released?

Would you send her home if her bizarre behavior were decreased?"

For the good of our society

They aren't to reproduce

So while they may pretend propriety

We'll never let 'em loose

Come see our girls, crazy girls

if you're willing to be thrilled this is a hell of a ride

Those girls, crazy girls

"We're hot" They're hot!

"We're nuts" They're nuts!

They're suicidal

Tickets cheap, it's a crime

And they're half price after 4 o'Clock so toss us a dime

to see these lovely freaks of nature for a limited time

come see the girls, girls, girls

Some are born mad

some achieve madness

and some have madness thrust upon 'em

This is the real thing, my friends

one hundred percent authentic mentally ill!

Accept NO substitutions!

For a little extra on the side

We can arrange for a slightly more intimate encounter *wink wink*

For a tuppence, just a tuppence!

A handful of pills to feed the inmates

We've got pills for depression, agression, repression, obsession, manic depression...

Things that rhyme with “ession”

There’s a pill for everything these days!

"How big is a ladies brain?"

They're really very, very small

A simple thought is quite a strain

"This seems just a bit inhumane"

It's just a simple little shock

It wouldn't cause her any pain

They're really more like animals than people

Some say they haven't any souls at all

The only bits that aren't inferior

Are bosom and posterior

And these are only useful in a seedy music hall

They won't bite

Well, she might

I say, this one does look hungry tonight

So get your picture with an inmate

But be sure she's locked up tight

They're practically wild, sir

Protect your child, sir

They can't recall the taste of freedom

They're just happy if we feed 'em

So point and laugh, it isn't bad

They oughtn't mind, because they're mad

If you haven't got a dime

Toss us your pearls

You're welcome to enjoy our girls, crazy girls

if you're willing to be thrilled this is a hell of a ride

Those girls, crazy girls

"We're hot" They're hot!

"We're nuts" They're nuts!

They're suicidal

Tickets cheap, it's a crime

And they're half price after 4 o'Clock so toss us a dime

to see these lovely freaks of nature for a limited time

I've got a lot more words to say but I just can't make it rhyme

So ladies, let this be a lesson to keep your hair uncut,

Your corsets tight

Your morals high

Your knitting neat,

Your yappers SHUT!

This is what comes from over-educating

Mentally over-stimulating

Too much serious conversating

Organised religion hating

Sinful over copulating

Marriage without procreating

Girl on girl caught lesbiating

She was caught while masturbating

Male mind manipulating

Chronically hallucinating

Certainly there's no debating

Some, we just find fascinating

Women’s rights facilitating

Independent thought creating

This may just be complicating

Get your money out, we're waiting

To see those girls, girls, girls

*** 

Another song I am madly in love with is Elephant Elephant by the band Evelyn Evelyn (a brainchild of Amanda Palmer).

Just listen to it. Did you smile? I bet you did.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 4

Although this wonderful lady is no longer with us, this photo always makes me smile. My paternal great-grandmother Lovella was, like most of her family, extremely stubborn about having her picture taken. I had warned them all that putting their hand in front of their face would not stop me from taking the photo anyhow. I pointed the camera at her this day in 2006 while we were sitting outside on the lawn, her hair still in curlers, and she covered her face with one hand and flipped me off with the other. At this point, she was almost 91 years old. I miss this lady, but this picture always makes us smile.

March Happiness Challenge: Day 3

Thanksgiving dinner with my family is my ultimate comfort food. Especially the homemade rolls and mashed potatoes. It's all fantastic, and just about as homemade as you get. I look forward to it all year, and sometimes, when I'm really antsy, I have to make myself some stuffing...

Not to mention...

CHOCOLATE!

March Happiness Challenge: Day 2

This quote from Emilie Autumn just makes me smile. I'm not sure why, it's dark and a little twisted, but I feel like that is quite fitting.

I honestly can't recall who this quote was originally by, but it empowers me. Six years ago, when I was quite near rock bottom, my mom sent this quote to me in an email, and it became my mantra. It helped me through some really hard times, and every time I see it, I can't help but smile at what I have overcome.

30 Day Happiness Challenge: Day 1

This is the photo on my volunteer badge for the American Red Cross Blood Services Division. And whether it looks like it or not, I was genuinely happy when this photo was taken. My left eye is droopy, but who cares!

March Happiness Challenge

Thanks to the wonderful and magnificent Mo Love of Madd Style Cosmetix, I am joining her and several other of my makeup-junky friends in this happiness challenge. I have gotten a late start to it, so let's jump right in!